On feeling like I shouldn’t be here.

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It’s the beginning of my second semester in grad school and I sit here in the library on my 3rd hour of perusing documents to analyze for an assignment, having yet to find one that fits the rubric. I’m frustrated and feeling foolish.

I feel so inadequate here. I feel like it was a fluke that I was accepted into this MA program. I feel like I just don’t “get it” whatever the hell “it” is. I’m surrounded by bright, rapt, razor sharp people who seem to have it together, and even if it’s just an illusion they put on I can’t seem to find my way to put on such a face. Hand me a mask, will you?

I know I am smart. I am hyper-capable and creative and full of energy. This is not to tear apart the awesomeness that I possess already. I am just so, so tired of feeling like I do not belong at all in this program. It’s exhausting feeling like an idiot when everything I’ve ever done in life has told me that I’m not an idiot, whatever mistakes I’ve made I can learn from, that I am resilient.

This will pass. It will get better. I am staying on top of my readings and assignments, and trying to think in new and critical ways. Sometimes, though, apparently all you can do is sob quietly in a cubicle on the 3rd floor of the library. Sorry to all who heard me.

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