In one of these frames we were spending a brief few minutes reading in the afternoon before grabbing some pão de queijo in Bozeman; in another we walked on the windy, hot boardwalk, and in another a morning was spent at the farmer’s market. One photograph shows delicate bird feathers caught in the grass after the owner likely met some odd end.
Last night the wind blew in the windows all night and I woke regularly, quietly thanking Montana for sending a cold brisk night our way after nights of relishing the fan. The radio and the news are full of protests, sadness, and violence. Arrests that are questionable, pain and suffering that has simmered for ages, injustices, mistrust, and fear are all saturating every media form I look into. My heart is heavy and my soul is tired. My father and I had a serious discussion about what exactly is going on and it was saddening but good to discuss the blood soaked legacy of being black in America. While I will never understand what it means to live with such a history, I am trying to find ways to be the best ally possible.
We went to the Montana Folk Festival this weekend, drinking soup to stay warm and seeing people we don’t usually see. One of my old swim team mates is now a ranger in Glacier National Park, and loving it. I saw the delightful and gorgeous Caitlin with her radiant smile and wonderfully messy blond mane. I ate frozen cheesecake on a stick, Logan and Ella shared a massive, salty turkey leg, and we saw musicians from Cuba, New York City, Korea, India, and elsewhere showcase their marvelous sounds. We hiked/trekked/bemoaned the steep, omnipresent hills in Butte, and marveled at the massive, old buildings rife with details made by people long departed from this world. Children played in a massive pile of dirt, which attracted youths like a magnet. A drone buzzed obnoxiously overhead and I thought Oh right, it is 2016 and this will soon be way more normal to me. A brief discussion about getting a taskforce of people with boomerangs to destroy drones was brought forth, to general agreement. I made 3 rolls of photographs that day, and will see them soon- Logan is headed to Missoula and offered to take them for me. I cannot wait to see what they look like!
Time has sped up. It is already almost mid-July. My mind buzzes with things I need to do:
-Find a room/apartment
-Make significant headway on The Thesis
-Finish applications for TAing
-Spend as much time doing things that are worthwhile
-Take Logan to Glacier
-Get all my general life shit together which will never happen but always goes on these To Do Lists anyway.
I am working a lot, trying to keep from letting quiet anxiety creep into my mind. The next year will be full of challenges and dilemmas, potential for opportunity and failure. I want so very much to be proud of myself and feel accomplished, and this has been lacking as of late, despite the fact that I work, study, and love plenty.