6300 miles/10,100 kilometers

43218790782_e43c392856_c43218790972_b8f7e4fa0e_c43218790322_a547f6597f_c

Taking Logan to the airport to say goodbye for six months was surreal. The drive from Missoula to Spokane is unbelievably beautiful, with cloud-covered mountain passes and little mining towns nestled by the highway, and we both discussed everything but his impending flight to go thousands and thousands of miles away. After we said goodbye at the gate, I drove home in a daze. I knew I couldn’t be emotional because a 3 hour drive on the highway is not the place to be a compromised person, and I compartmentalized everything and drove home without really remembering it. I came home and slept like a corpse, absolutely exhausted and horribly sad and hollow feeling. Our house echoed and felt devoid of the soul it had when we moved in.

It’s been a month now and life hasn’t become “normal” again. I want to sleep a lot still. I keep my space neat, much neater than it was when we lived together, and joined a gym. Cooking hasn’t happened- lots of raw veggies, sandwiches, yogurt and cold dishes. It’s hilarious how sad my diet has become since his departure. I would always know Logan was cooking when I’d smell garlic, basil, cilantro, olive oil in the pan, and other familiar smells. The sounds of the house have changed and so have the smells. No more of his cologne or our clothes hung together in the closet, even if only for a little while. Much of my grad school habits have returned: long walks alone, people watching,  having a quiet drink alone, writing in my diary, devouring books, finding quiet spaces, and letting my mind unravel and go all sorts of places. It is peaceful, familiar, and a tiny bit sad, but not entirely empty of happiness.

These were from one of our last walks in the park here in town, taken with my ancient SLR camera, which we didn’t position correctly, to my odd delight.

Phone diary from July

42710433454_4c68fbe7e4_c42710487354_98b14986de_c43378999372_d9f44dc2bf_c29657588838_392f52c4a8_c41720544890_cb40da6bb9_c29555677388_6a2be4aaf3_c42710475304_4d5afbc7a3_c29555660398_4885c0efe7_c43426780321_1e78816b3c_c43426811721_fd8e71eccf_c

Logan’s been gone a month. I’m on my own here in Montana. I’ve adopted new skincare methods, moved into a new room, have four bags of clothes to donate, and have been trying to enjoy summer. That means reading- a lot. In distilleries, coffee shops, bed, on work breaks, in the park, anywhere and everywhere. After the books come walks- long, meandering, in the evening. Summer is always remembered as the best but it’s so hot during the day that I duck in and out of shaded spaces and cool buildings. I can’t concentrate when it’s so hot that the buildings themselves radiate heat after sundown. The fan goes, and my mind wanders in circles, and I loathe summer as it happens, but remember it as so much better when it’s over.

Lonely landscapes

P1060233

 

I have been lonelier as of late than I have in a long time.

My social life is bordering on dead, a husk of what I imagined it would be this summer. I had a break-up, took a job I was very unsure of, and have spent most of my summer working and catching up on sleep, feeling as though I never had enough.

I moved out of my apartment in Bozeman permanently. Packing is hot and sweaty work but it also brings to light how much unnecessary stuff one has. I wanted to throw most of it away. I cried intermittently. I know that many people have bigger struggles and harder lives than I do but it doesn’t make it easier to move and deal with a break up.

This summer has been the hottest, loneliest, and hardest one I can remember. It doesn’t help that I worked too much and didn’t see enough of the good people in my life.

I hope my next post has better positive vibes attached to it, but I’m not going to apologize for being a person and having a difficult time at the moment.

 

 

Why I am not my blog and my blog is not me.

Something I fear but know occurs is that if somebody finds my blog or reads it, they will come away with a conclusion of who I am.

That is the most dangerous, erroneous thing one can do while perusing blogs.

My blog is a tool for procrastination, a place for personal inspiration, and a biased synopsis of my personal life events, shrouded by whatever lies I choose to toss in or events I choose to omit. It is something that is created by me, and it is a part of me, I suppose, but if you were to form any sort of conclusion of me based from this URL, you would be sorely mistaken. It is a mere detail of my life, not a true or accurate representation of me.

As a blogger and somebody who avidly reads blogs, I have encountered this problem a lot. I end up imagining my favorite bloggers as having perfect boyfriends, perfect bell-jar whiskey recipes, cardigan collections, and camera angles. Then, I have to step back and think: No. False. That is not possible, and the conclusions I am drawing are inappropriate.

Something I will admit to doing is gilding my blog. Why? For the simple reason that I can. I choose to pick out my flaws, my disdain, my selfishness, my erroneous thoughts and the cynicism I often feel, leaving you with this much “nicer” portrait of me, partially curated by myself. However, it’s not accurate. It’s a slanted truth, a biased created by a person who has no clue what they’re doing more oft than not.

Guess what? I’m allowed to do that. I have every right to engage in this behavior, and so I have, do, and will continue to do so.

(The image above though does sort of represent who I wish I was: A jewel-tone wearing vixen reclining somewhere listening to a scratchy tune).

Gustav Klimt, The Kiss

There’s something so terrifying and gorgeous about Klimt’s work.

All of it has these seeping tones of sensuality, but The Kiss is still an ultimate favorite. People all over the world know this painting, and it is one of the most popular images from art history anywhere.

What I love about it is the uncertainty of what’s going on. Is he kissing her, about to push her off the precipice her feet so delicately grip? Is he saving her, comforting her, or forcing her into this embrace? What happens to the characters Klimt paints is really up to the viewer. Right now, as it goes in my life, the precipice is the future. It’s the next step, and these gorgeously painted creatures know no more about it than I do.

 

Thoughts on life- a list.

1. Napping is something that should be done often and with relish.

2. Walking alone in the dark is a joyous thing to do.

3. Looking at an old train pass reminds me of the nights spent whooshing past small mountain towns, glimmering in the dark as we sped by.

4. Writing is difficult, and mostly done at odd hours of the night.

5. Lying awake at night leads to ridiculous thought paths that were meant to remain shadowed.

6. Skype sessions with fantastic friends are the cure for the blues.

7. One down duvet is great. Two is better.

8. Having to explain what a meme is to somebody is really difficult.

9. A bad pear is an awful thing to experience- texture! Texture!

10. I miss certain persons in my life.

11. I have a fondness for overly expensive pretty underthings that would surely bankrupt me if there were such shops around.

12. Walking to class on a brisk morning is a better way to wake up than coffee.

13. I miss photographing my life.

14. Sometimes the feeling of anonymity is the best feeling ever.

15. Reading a book outside a pub waiting to meet up with friends starts off the evening well.

National Geographic scans, 1957 editions

 

 

As somebody who can’t travel right now, I chose to be spirited away through old National Geographics.

I especially like the editions that use Kodachrome, because Kodachrome makes everything better- a little more saturated, a little more dramatic, a little more everything. Trying to describe the joys that Kodachrome instills in me would be akin to describing why my favorite song is Begin the Beguine– it’s something that I can’t put into words.

So, instead, go explore Angkor Wat, Rome, Istanbul, see a map of Europe from when the USSR still reigned strong, and view my favorite map of Italy ever. Or, head to Glacier or invest in a Kodak camera! Someday I want to print the map of Italy off in high resolution and tack all the lovely places in that marvelous country I’ve been.

Also, I apologize for the lack of photos. My life has been lackluster- I’ve been going to the gym, class, frequenting cafes and trying new wines, but not doing it with a camera in my hand, apparently!

Mi padre

 

I really enjoy getting a good photograph- and I think I got two excellent ones. My dad, one of the most hard working and enthusiastic people I know, and our ridiculously immature and somewhat foolish black Labrador together.

Tonight, I’m going to the fair. The fair is a zoo of people- and I’m excited to photograph them.

Till later!

An apology.

Lately, I’ve been trying to do a lot. Final papers, trying to get ready to run a 10k (no easy feat!) and the upswing in weather have taken me down other avenues. Not to mention that in my procrastinating I”ve been watching Wes Anderson films like The Royal Tenenbaums and The Darjeeling Limited as well as catching up on Mad Men (GOOD STUFF THERE!).

 

I’m not going to lie: I feel like a bad blogger. My poor quality posts have given me a bitter taste in my mouth, but I promise soon I’ll make it up to you!

This weekend I promise to make a quality blog post! Something worth actually looking at!

But for now I’ll just let you stare at Adrien Brody’s face until you forgive me.

Seriously though.

11 Things

1.  I’m deathly afraid of deep water or water where I can’t see the bottom. Despite the fact that I am a varsity swimmer and very good at swimming.

2. I can bend my thumbs all the way backwards. All. The. Way. It’s really weird and creepy.

3. I do not like babies. I think they are weird and creepy. They have no motor skills, and not a lot of cognitive functions, and their proportions are off, and they just make me feel really uncomfortable in every way. Also, their form of communicating in shrieks, giggles and other high pitched forms are grating. I do not ever want to have a child of my own, either.

4. When I was a kid I didn’t think adults slept, so I wanted to be a veterinarian during the day and an artist at night! Until I figured out that I’m too emotional about animals, that is.

5. I love snakes, spiders, amphibians, and all generally creepy crawley things. In fact, if I could start over, I might major in Biology and get a grad degree in Herpetology- the study of reptiles and amphibians. I also am a spider saver, and will go to great lengths to make sure that our arachnid friends aren’t harmed by people who want to squish them.

6. I have about 300,000 photographs on my portable hard drive, and that’s just from the last three years.

7. My favorite movie is a tie between “The Brothers Bloom” and “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (the Gene Wilder one, di certo).

8. I used to have a huge gap in my teeth, and I sort of wish I had been able to keep it.

9. My family has a little dilapidated house in Cape Cod, and it’s one of my favorite places on earth to be. I can ride my bike everywhere, and the buildings are all old and symmetrical. It’s my favorite Americana place to be.

10. I’m the biggest The Office fan there has or ever will be. Seriously.

11. My middle name is “Lee” after Robert E. Lee, the Confederate General- the first daughter in my family has gotten that middle name since…well, the Civil War.