Autumnal vibes and keeping my chin up.

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Autumn here reminds me of Victoria in that the humidity makes my hair crazy and my urge to explore rise again. I miss the ocean but the river will do, as long as a body of water is nearby.

Missoula is beautiful, friendly, welcoming. It’s also a really hard place to get work, and everybody knows it and laughs. They feel bad but hey, you chose to be here, so adapt. And I can’t. I’m stubborn and hard working and I refuse to work for less than I am worth. I refuse to apply for jobs that pay $10 an hour but ask for a BA and 3+ years of experience. Just because the work environment allows places to do that doesn’t mean I will comply. So, I’ve had fewer interviews and fewer chances to apply for things. At the same time, holding out because I know what I am worth feels right. I have taken underpaid jobs where you’re over-worked and under-appreciated and expected to do so much, just because your employers know how badly you need this. It feels wrong and it is.

So, in the meantime, I’ve been going on long walks, making photographs, eating good food with Logan, and seeing movies. We went to see the 1937 French film La Grande Illusion at the Roxy last night, and it was spectacular, sad, and poignant. It made me think about war and family and the common humanities we share with each other. This weekend I got to have my favorite Single Malt IPA at the Blackfoot brewery in Helena with some old friends, people who I love dearly and hold close to my heart. We drove home through a freak snow storm, crawling over a steep mountain pass, hoping nobody would be driving like a nutcase and slide and hit us. We saw aspen groves and cottonwoods and beautiful clouds hugging the mountains. Snow-capped peaks and low-slung clouds and all the colors of fall everywhere. Montana, you rascal, you always charm me even when you might be trying to kill me or break my heart simultaneously.

The Void (Musings on looking for jobs)

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The other day I went to get a bite with a friend. Then she asked me what I really wanted to be doing with my life as we were eating and I paused. What did I really want? Well damn girl, slow down. Don’t be getting me optimistic about things! I said, I really want to be writing and photographing and making money from it. I want to be telling stories and bringing humanity into a world that sometimes seems in dire need of it. 

As I apply for jobs I feel so unsure of how to communicate who I am/why I am worthwhile on a single sheet of paper. I am highly capable, competitive, and enthusiastic. I am, underneath it all, an optimist. I feel so full of potential and ambition and energy it seems hard to channel it effectively sometiems. But, I’m also feeling very wary of The Void. The Void is where you send all your job applications these days. The Void is that online application portal that your potential (fingers crossed!!!) future employer uses, and it is to The Void that you upload a resume (.docx or .pdf preferred), your cover letter, and whatever else you think The Void needs to potentially see you as a viable candidate to be paid for what labor they want you to do.

The Void is sterile, inhumane, and prone to creating senses of doubt, negativity, and cynicism. The Void may never get back to you, it may never even send you an email that it got your application. The Void consumes hours of your time and effort and may not yield you anything. If I were in agriculture and The Void was an acre of land I wouldn’t be planting anything there, but these are desperate, Void-necessary times.

Now, I’m not an idiot. I know somebody with blood in their veins and a brain in their skull pulls the information I’ve send to The Void and that a human being or two actually peruses some if not most of the applications. Regardless, it is disheartening to submit so much and often never hear a peep back. No feedback, no reasoning about why I wasn’t the right fit, just the consuming, stressful, omnipresent SILENCE that The Void echoes. It doesn’t make my applications better. It doesn’t strengthen my resolve. It doesn’t make me a better resume writer.  I know that employers are likely inundated with applications, that lots of places don’t have the staff to respond to applicants like that, but the cold face of the Internet can be a bit trying sometimes. So, that means I have to work harder to keep my chin up and know that it will, eventually, work out. We all have to, don’t we?

P.S. Send me good thoughts as I look for work. Please. Now back to editing that one cover letter…

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